Advice?

[xradx]

So... I've decided it's time to attend RP school. So I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to do this, so I'm just gonna do a normal post type thing and if anyone wants to give me advice, it would be appreciated!

Ashpaw padded through the forest, all her senses alert for dangers. She was only an apprentice, and she knew if she was out of camp Darksong would probably be looking for her, but she wanted to hunt alone today. So she walked through the forest until she found what she thought looked like a good place to hunt. She opened her mouth to taste the air, but instead smelled a cat. "Who's there?" she called into the trees, she puffed out her fur to make herself look bigger, just in case it was an enemy.

So there's a normal post I guess... any advice for me? You can go ahead and be brutally honest.

[რoonwhisker]

I have a few tips that could make your post look longer/better :]

1) Tell why she's there, is she hunting?
2) Maybe re-cap the days events first.
3) You could also add some of her personal 'thoughts' by italicizing them. That usually makes the post funnier/more interesting.

And theres my advice :] Have a great day!

[xradx]

Thank-you Meppers =]
Okay, here's my second try:

Ashpaw padded throuhg the forest, all her senses alert for danger. She was only an apprentice, and it probably wasn't safe to be out in the forest alone, so she had to be extra careful. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong, she told herself, I'm just going hunting, right? She had been stuck in camp all day, because Darksong was injured she had no one to go out with, but she had decided that if no one else would take her out, she would go out herself. So she wandered through the forest until she found what she thought looked like a good place to hunt. She opened her mouth to taste the air, and her blue eyes stretched wide with alarm as she scented not a mouse or a vole, but another cat unstead. She puffed her fur out to make herself look bigger and then faced the trees, "Who's there?" she called, silently hoping that she had just imagined the scent of cat.

So there's my 'improved' post, how's that?

[რoonwhisker]

Much better :]

You could probubally even break it up into two paragrapsh.

[♫.Starredmyst]

Mind if I poke in? I've got a suggestion or two...

1) The one thing that makes a post really awesome is vividness. Use words that really bring the scene to mind, and add the occasional bit of description or thought to add more color to the post. What you've got now is good, but kind of generic -- I'm not sure how to make specific suggestions/examples because it's a kind of style thing and I stink at trying to explain it, sorry xD

2) Like I said, the post is interesting and useful, but kind of generic. What does the forest look like -- what does Ashpaw notice that other cats might not? Little things like that, that just kind of make the post more interesting to read.

Wahhh. I stink at giving crit. Hope I'm helping. -headdesk-

[☆§wìftflame☆]

Advice! Well, it's always a good thing to use your senses when your writing. By this I mean describe what your character sees (i.e. a shaft of sunlight making dewdrops glitter on the leaves), and how it appears to them. Describe what they can hear (i.e. i twig snapping underfoot) and what they feel. (i.e. sunlight on their fur) Describe what they smell (i.e. the scent of fresh kill wafting form camp) All of this will help the reader feel like they're in the story, and understand exactly how your cat feels. Good luck!