Sweet dreams [x] Secret love {Snowsong/Mothflight}

[♫.Starredmyst]

Grey clouds hung the sky with a dim, faintly glowing aura as they blocked out the sun, threatening to pour snow at any moment. An icy wind whipped through the forest with a faint tang of seawater, tossing the faint powder of snow up into the air. Altogether a very threatening morning, weather-speaking, in the very dead of winter -- not the most romantic time to meet your mate in a special place.

So different from the last time I brought someone here...

Ginger paws crunched quietly into the thin layer of snow; warm breath steamed out in swirling wisps as the pale tom stopped at the cliff's edge, a sand-colored statue watching silently over camp. He could see, even from here, that the edge of the waters had begun to gain a light skin of ice, broken not long after the sun began to shine down -- not that it was, today.

No, that day it was sunny and green -- StarClan, was it only last newleaf? Everything seemed to sparkle -- Goldensun especially. She was so beautiful...

Risingdawn shook his head, as though to clear it, but there was no avoiding the memory here -- not today. This was the place he had discovered his first "love" -- the place he had confessed it -- and the place he had lost it, all in one heart-crushing confrontation.

And now he had invited another cat here, dared risk the hurt once more...

Risingdawn had woken first that morning, whispered in half-asleep Snowsong's ear where to meet him when sunhigh arrived. He had not told her why he wanted her to come to this place, at the very edge of the forest and high above the camp -- had not told of its importance to his family, or to his personal life. Nor did he plan to, necessarily; oh, he'd tell Snowsong it was the site of his mother's grave, but --

But he was still too nervous, too uncertain of their bond, to admit that second part of this site's history.

[.&&. Snowsong.]

Having been able to spare time for meeting Risingdawn as she had promised, Snowsong silently padded to the location in which he had informed her; she had heard clearly, despite being half asleep, and now her orbs caught the tom in the exact location she figured he said. For a moment, she paused, glanced around, and then padded over to him. "Salutations, Risingdawn... I came as we both promised," she murmured softly.

She sat down in front of him, and she wrapped her tail neatly around her paws. "Now.. What is it that made you desire to bring both of us here..?" she asked with the same neutral yet softly warm tone and low voice level.

[♫.Starredmyst]

Risingdawn heard Snowsong coming before she spoke; he continued to stand, motionless, at the edge of the cliff for a moment before turning to the she-cat, a calm, distant expression on his face.

"Salutations, Risingdawn... I came as we both promised."

"Morning, Snowsong," the tom mumbled, coming back to the present with an effort. The white she-cat looked wonderful, as ever, he thought; she sat down in front of him, but Risingdawn was already too worked up to follow her example. He was silent a moment, standing in front of her, not sure how to begin.

"Now.. What is it that made you desire to bring both of us here..?"

"This place..."

Risingdawn's tail whipped, once, betraying the tension underneath his serene mask. The ginger tom glanced, once, across the small clearing; his eyes lit on the tall, ancient oak that stood in the center of it.

"It's sort of a special place to me and my sister," he began, awkwardly, then with growing confidence. "You see this oak?"

He strode over to it, two tail-lengths away, and stopped, peering up at the thick web of branches above him. "This is my queen's grave.

"My father buried her here, after she died of whitecough. I mean, we could have buried her with the rest of the Clan cats who died, but -- that's down on the sands, and Mom never liked it there. It was too dry, too hot, all dirty and grainy. She loved this forest, and so me, Silverdust and my tom put her here, where she'd have liked to rest. We come here all the time, to think."

His ears went down slightly, nervously, as he studied Snowsong, and he couldn't resist adding, "You're only the second cat I've brought here."

[.&&. Snowsong.]

Her lobes slightly flicked as Risingdawn informed her that this was his mother's grave, and Snowsong got to her paws, padding closer to him. "I see... So, this is your secret place -- like I showed you mine when we first met..?" she murmured quietly. She allowed her whiskers to slightly flick, and then padded to fully face the grave. "I hope you don't mind me paying respects to her...," she murmured softly, despite the distant expression she held. With a glance to the tom who seemed as wonderful appearing as ever, she dipped her head for several seconds, and then lifted her cranium to usual position and padding closer to the male.

She sat down about a centimeter beside him, wrapping her tail around her paws as her orbs melted within his. After a short moment of hesitation, she asked softly, "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me...?"

[Đarκsong]

Mothflight was so fuming mad, he wasn't thinking at all about where he was going. In fact, when he came to his senses he had no idea where he was. He shrugged it off, thinking that he couldn't have gotten too far away in a few minutes. He did, however, want to be as far away from Darksong as possible right now.

He always had felt like Darksong held him back. Mothflight always had to be associated with him, since they were the only ones left of their family in the clan. Many cats disliked them at first, for both their parents weren't clan born. Thus they only had each other. Now even though most of the clan accepts them, Mothflight still feels horribly left out.

Suddenly, he became nervous about where he might be. He scented the area, trying to figure out where he was. He was surprised to pick up the scent of other cats. He slowly moved towards them. Mothflight saw Risingdawn and Snowsong from a distance. Feeling that he should leave and that it was none of his business what they were doing, he turned to leave.

But something unknown to him told him to stay. So he did.

[♫.Starredmyst]

Risingdawn watched, quietly, as Snowsong stood in front of his mother's grave for a moment, head bowed. She seemed solemn and quiet -- nothing else, except perhaps still uncertain why he had brought her here.

Stupid tom. What were you expecting? You didn't have a real reason to bring her here, after all -- it's not like you were going to confess your undying love to her or anything stupid like that.

The thought brought a pang -- a real one, not just the echo of memories. The tom bowed his own head, trying to get himself under control, as Snowsong sat next to him. He looked up when he realized her gaze was on him, and found himself unable to look away from her eyes.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me...?"

Risingdawn swallowed, and broke his gaze away from hers. Staring off to where Snowsong had come from this morning...where, so many moons ago, another cat had snuck up on him as he waited eagerly.

More eagerly than he had today?

She has a right to know...

"Yes," Riss said quietly, still not looking at Snowsong. "I -- guess I do. Have you ever heard of a cat named...Goldensun?"

The name was hard to say, even now. Even Silv hadn't heard it from his mouth in moons.

"She's still a part of the Clan, I think," he continued, even more quietly, "but I haven't seen her in forever. Maybe she died. I wouldn't know."

[.&&. Snowsong.]

Her lobes slightly flicked, and Snowsong found that her orbs remained upon Risingdawn even when he glanced at where she had come from. Alabaster twin sets flicked again as the tom asked if she knew of Goldensun. ".... I believe I have heard of her.. But I don't know if I've ever seen her..." After a short moment of hesitation, she added, "Is there something about her that you wanted to tell me...?"

[♫.Starredmyst]

"I hadn't meant to," Risingdawn answered with a touch of disgust -- not disgust at Snowsong for asking the question, but self-disgust. "But...I guess..."

He fell silent as the wind picked up, ruffling his fur and throwing a bit of snow against his side. When he spoke again, he made his voice as detached as he could, trying to sound as though he was speaking to a stranger.

"I first met Goldensun when Silverdust and I were apprentices. She was Silv's mentor, and for some reason, Silv couldn't stand her. Practically hated her. I couldn't see why. Goldensun seemed so sweet, so charming, and StarClan was she beautiful...if you'd met her, you'd understand."

Hard as he tried, Risingdawn couldn't echo these memories without seeing them in front of him. They were so vivid -- the most vivid he'd ever had until meeting Snowsong. The handsome bengal she-cat, with her charming words -- so elegant, so suave, completely unlike the blundering tom he'd always been. He was aware even back then the way he'd struggled to speak to other cats, to sound like less than an idiot when he ran out of words to say...

"Silv couldn't be rid of Goldensun fast enough, once we were made warriors, and even I could see that Goldensun felt the same. But -- I never expected her to fall for me."

How could he have been so stupid? It was a complete mismatch. She, so wonderful, so comfortable in her skin, so flawless with each word and action; he, uncertain, awkward at the best of times, always on the edge of disgrace. He, clever at abstract thought; she, disgusted by thinking too hard and talented only at manipulation.

"But somehow...one day, Goldensun just seemed to notice my existence. I'd see her watching me, a strange look on her face; Silv told me I was being a mousebrain for paying her any mind, but some of my other friends thought she might be interested in me." Rainclaw and Rippedheart hadn't known any better; he still wasn't certain if they'd ever heard the details of this. He'd certainly never told them -- never told anyone before, not really. "And...it seemed like she was. We started spending time together."

Those few moons -- two? less? -- seemed, even in hindsight, diffused with a golden glow. He'd never been so happy...Goldensun seemed to understand him in a way no cat ever had before, and what was more -- she wanted to understand him. Wanted to, where other cats had turned away in disgust whenever he'd gone off on a tangent, distracted by thoughts his Clanmates didn't seem interested in...

In no time, she'd known him better than he'd known himself.

"I -- adored her. I held her so high up above myself, because I'd never felt that way about anycat and I didn't understand why she was the one I felt that way for." Despite all attempts to hold back passion, his voice wavered now with a touch of unhappiness, not anger as much as regret. "It wasn't like -- other relationships I'd had." Us, he wanted to say but didn't dare. "I hero-worshiped her, and thought she wanted to live her life out with me.

"And one day...I invited her here."

His throat closed; he couldn't say anymore, not and keep his composure. Snowsong wouldn't want to see him break down. If she didn't hate him after this -- if she didn't see the truth about who he was -- even if, by some miracle, she could still come to love him -- he would lose what little respect she'd have left for him by falling apart in front of her.

[.&&. Snowsong.]

Despite never knowing what true love was like, Snowsong felt horrible as she listened to Risingdawn; she didn't feel jealousy, not at all, but she felt sympathy for him, as if she was able to read his pain and feel it as well. She closed her orbs, and then reopened them as he neared finish. She felt a lump within her throat as he finished, and she felt so bad for him, but she swallowed that lump and got to her paws. Padding oh so delicately and silently to his side, she allowed her orbs to melt into his.

"You don't need to finish... Let me guess..." After a short moment of hesitation, she continued. "She rejected you..." It was more difficult to say than she expected, feeling as if they were thorns within her throat; she hoped that the small statement she had just spoke wouldn't hurt him.

She nuzzled his chest, allowing their pelts to gently touch. "Risingdawn... If it makes you feel better... I'll never reject you... You're the one that stands out to me, in such a wonderful way..." She hesitated, before adding, "I don't know why she would, well, dislike you.. Despite you thinking you're a total idiot and failure, you're not. You're unique; you're the only one that shall ever have my heart..."

[♫.Starredmyst]

Risingdawn pulled himself away from Snowsong's sympathy, shaking his head miserably; unwilling to be comforted, unable to admit that he needed it.

"You don't know the half of it," he answered, bitterly, drawing far away enough that their fur no longer touched, and he could look her straight on in the eye. "Let me finish...if you're going to be so d**n nice about it," he went on with a sudden sort of anger, "let me at least finish what I was going to say.

"I told Goldensun how much I loved her. All right. Simple enough. For a minute she just stood there smiling at me --"

That strange, superior expression on her beautiful face. That depth to the back of her eyes that he'd never understood, suddenly coming to the forefront. An amused sort of disgust -- not just disgust but downright hatred, he knew now. And she started to speak --

"And then she told me everything she'd learned by getting close to me."

Risingdawn closed his eyes now, and it sounded almost as though he were quoting. Perhaps he was; he certainly remembered the day well enough. "She didn't love me. The closer she got to me, the more she realized what a mousebrained fool I was. I can't fight, I can't hunt; I can't hold an intelligent conversation without stumbling over my words." I just -- he remembered, from last night, and laughed silently at himself. "I hold myself back from others; really, I'm downright cold. Even my own sister doesn't understand me. What's more, there's nothing good inside for someone who does -- just cold intellect and the fact that I do nothing right. That's the worst part, she said, I know I do nothing right and I haven't killed myself yet."

The green eyes opened once more to stare into Snowsong's, dark with pain. "It was all true. It still is. And I -- she left me and Snowsong I was mad with it -- I heard what she said and I knew it for true and -- StarClan, you have no idea how close I was to jumping off this cliff and ending it right there.

"But I was lucky, if you want to call it that...my tom was stopping here, to visit my queen's memory. He found me, and he -- I told him what had just happened. Not -- what she'd said, but one look was enough."

He was so close to breaking down -- but no. No -- he couldn't. It would gain him nothing. Choking down his emotion, Risingdawn took a shaking breath and managed to return his voice to that of a dispassionate viewer.

"So -- my dad was furious. He went straight to Patchstar, but his temper was already gone, so he ended up yelling at Patchstar and Patchstar banished him. Goldensun got the spotlight, and Silverdust and I fell down into disgrace. I -- just barely managed to keep Silverdust from hunting Goldensun down and killing her herself. It was -- all I could do, at that point."

His eyes had dropped at some point, and now he couldn't bring himself to look back up. Snowsong was closer to him than any cat except Silverdust -- and now that she'd heard this from his own mouth...surely, surely she'd want nothing to do with him. The thought was almost unbearable.

[.&&. Snowsong.]

Normally, Snowsong would have walked clear away from any cat that had spoke to her about all this, but for Risingdawn, it was extremely different. She could clearly see the pain he was in, and she choked down her sympathy, seeing that he didn't want it at the moment. When he finished, she was silent for a moment, and a breeze blew, slightly ruffling her fur.

".... Risingdawn...." She couldn't find the right words to comfort him, and she felt quite bad about that. She slightly shook her head, attempting to clear her mind and find the correct statements.

"Risingdawn, listen... I don't know why you wanted to tell me this, but.. I would never, could never, think lower of you. You're -- You're my only light, and I would never think negative of my light, my beloved..." She paused, feeling stupid for not being able to think up the right words to say. She felt terrible; not because of him, but because of herself.

[Đarκsong]

Mothflight couldn't believe what he was doing. His feet were glued to the grounded. He was listening to Risingdawn's story. His mind was at war. It felt wrong to snoop on their conversation, yet something told him to stay there and listen. It didn't make any sense at all to him.

[♫.Starredmyst]

Risingdawn only shook his head, not seeming to comprehend that Snowsong was trying to comfort him. He stared at her with a sort of dull misery, expression not changing a hair at her words.

"You don't understand. Who I am...is the reason my father was thrown to the wolves. Who I am is the reason no one has ever reached out to me; the reason the one cat who did -- didn't love me anyway. No matter what you say..."

He choked on the words. "You will see me for who I am someday, Snowsong...I try so hard to deny it but standing here I can't. No cat can reach my heart...it's too distant, and what's more, I don't deserve to have it reached. You -- couldn't understand. But you will and I -- and I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to see you hurt the way my tom was..."

[.&&. Snowsong.]

A moment of silence glided by, and a faint sigh soon escaped Snowsong. "I don't care if I can't reach your heart. I love you, and nothing could stop that, not even you. Even if you try to make me want to have nothing to do with you, I'll still love you." She took a deep breath, before continuing.

"You can say you don't deserve to have your heart reached, and I won't care. To me, to me, you deserve everything in the world. Even if I am a single soul, it's better than none, and I know, I know that I'll do whatever I can to bring you happiness, despite what you believe. If it is to lead me to my downfall, then so be it." She paused for a moment, despite what she desired to add on. She closed her orbs in a blink as a breeze whispered, and then reopened her orbs to continue, allowing her orbits to half melt half burn into the orbs of Risingdawn.

"If you don't want to be hurt, then I'll be your shield. If you don't want to see me hurt, then I'll fight off what could harm us both. Risingdawn, I love you. I love you, and I always shall, despite everything else." Through her entire lecture, or speech, her tone was soft yet strong, and when she finished, she took a breath, before deciding to add something else.

"Risingdawn, I may never understand you, and you may never understand how much I feel for you..."

She couldn't look into his orbs anymore, and she glanced away. Her figure slightly slumped, and she felt awkward that her walls had just collapsed, and now began to rebuild.

[♫.Starredmyst]

Something about the intensity of Snowsong's words, the passion behind them, made Risingdawn slowly begin to hear what he was saying.

And, just as slowly at first, then faster -- from a trickle to a waterfall, the ice he'd begun to build around his heart melted.

"Snowsong..." he breathed, daring to look up even as she turned away from him. Her words hit him like a blow, leaving his ears ringing -- the very words he'd so badly wanted to say last night, and hadn't dared.

I love you.

"Snowsong, wait --" Even though she wasn't going anywhere, Riss could feel her pulling away from him. Taken with the sudden desire to move, he rose to his paws and strode to face her, staring at her eyes even if she wouldn't look into his. "Snowsong," he repeated, a third time, and his soft voice held a strange ache to it. "No one has ever -- I could never expect -- I can't imagine anyone would do that for me. Do you realize..."

He closed his eyes tightly, then made himself open them again and look earnestly at her. "Patchstar doesn't like me, Snowsong, and -- and if he hears about this, it'll bring to mind what I d -- what my tom said to him. What if..." He swallowed. "It's common gossip Patchstar's not...stable, Snowsong. You shouldn't..."

Was he really doing this? Trying to talk her out of what he wanted so badly? But of course he was, answered the twisted little corner of his mind -- it's better for her and you don't deserve it anyway.

"You shouldn't do this for me, even if --" If what? If she really did love him? "I mean -- you don't -- I don't want to see you hurt. And I can't trust that Patchstar...wouldn't."